I've been thinking about people. People in general.

The emptiness is back, so here I am, trying to type it away. No pencil lead left, actually.

Well, back to today's topic. I've been reading the blogs of a few of my ex-classmates. Back then, I used to be so afraid of them. I don't know how it started- some memories stand out: I making a suggestion, her snorting as if she couldn't stand breathing the same air as me and I feeling so stupid- what did I do wrong?

I was stupid, in a way. I drew in, carved up a facade guaranteed to put people off. I obsessed over how I would show them- I remember writing out this great long speech which would put them all to shame blahblah insert self-righteous babble here.

One afternoon the girls involved in a prestigious competition came back to class in tears. They had practiced incredibly hard for months, and were so sure of their Gold award... they came away with a Bronze.

People were trying to comfort them. I didn't know what to do- I wasn't particuly close to any of these girls, and frankly I saw no cause for crying- you fall, you get up, you keep walking. Shallow, shallow, shallow me.

I began to yell for the Literature assignments to be handed up to me, mainly to give myself something to do and offset my discomfort- and her, the one I feared the most, who was most vocal in her dislike- snapped at me.

I don't recall her exact words, only how she said it, and how crushed and guilty I felt. Along with that a fierce, bubbling rage -how dare she! I opened my mouth to let loose my self-righteous speech-

I was stopped by another classmate's pleading gaze, one whom I had a soft spot for. No, it said. Let it go. Never mind.

I turned tail and ran.

And- stupid, stupid fool I am- I later apologised to her. Like a stupid puppy. Please stop hating me. I'll change. I'm a shallow bastard, and I'm sorry...

Yet, today as I think back... but it is late. I've digressed, anyway. Maybe I'll continue tomorrow.