I know I said I would continue from my last post, but I've kinda moved on...

Today I was sitting on the steps, facing the field on the other side of the wire fence. So many thoughts running through my head, and I, trying desperately to stop them from disappearing through the cracks... but I digress.

It was a lovely scene. The trees had lost their leaves to the recent heatwave, and new leaves were budding. Some had already unfurled, fresh and new and supple. The wind was whispering, and tiny leaves flew overhead, branches shivered. The sun was low, gone from his throne in the blue sky...

As I watched this, at this instant, I felt so -happy doesn't seem appropiate- light. Like everything was right with the world, everything for that split second was balanced.

Yet, gnawing at the very fringes of this thought was this overwhelming sadness.

I thought, this will never happen again. Nothing is permanent; the leaves will never look exactly the same, the trees will never sway in the exact same way, everything will change.

Maybe I'm thinking too much. But at that moment. That's what. I suppose I was thinking of how all too soon I'll have to move on from all the little joys I've found, fought so hard for. How everyone will eventually change. How I will change. How, all the chances, the choices at that instant will be lost forever.

I'm rambling, so I'll stop there.
Words, words, words, all I have are words yet I am so inept with them.

I've been thinking about people. People in general.

The emptiness is back, so here I am, trying to type it away. No pencil lead left, actually.

Well, back to today's topic. I've been reading the blogs of a few of my ex-classmates. Back then, I used to be so afraid of them. I don't know how it started- some memories stand out: I making a suggestion, her snorting as if she couldn't stand breathing the same air as me and I feeling so stupid- what did I do wrong?

I was stupid, in a way. I drew in, carved up a facade guaranteed to put people off. I obsessed over how I would show them- I remember writing out this great long speech which would put them all to shame blahblah insert self-righteous babble here.

One afternoon the girls involved in a prestigious competition came back to class in tears. They had practiced incredibly hard for months, and were so sure of their Gold award... they came away with a Bronze.

People were trying to comfort them. I didn't know what to do- I wasn't particuly close to any of these girls, and frankly I saw no cause for crying- you fall, you get up, you keep walking. Shallow, shallow, shallow me.

I began to yell for the Literature assignments to be handed up to me, mainly to give myself something to do and offset my discomfort- and her, the one I feared the most, who was most vocal in her dislike- snapped at me.

I don't recall her exact words, only how she said it, and how crushed and guilty I felt. Along with that a fierce, bubbling rage -how dare she! I opened my mouth to let loose my self-righteous speech-

I was stopped by another classmate's pleading gaze, one whom I had a soft spot for. No, it said. Let it go. Never mind.

I turned tail and ran.

And- stupid, stupid fool I am- I later apologised to her. Like a stupid puppy. Please stop hating me. I'll change. I'm a shallow bastard, and I'm sorry...

Yet, today as I think back... but it is late. I've digressed, anyway. Maybe I'll continue tomorrow.

Chinese New Year is just around the corner, and my Mother, being the terribly efficient woman she is, decided to commence spring-cleaning now.

Just a bit of trivia: Once Chinese New Year rolls round, no sweeping of the house is allowed. It is believed that this will sweep away Good fortune.

So, yeah. When I returned home from school today I thought the depo had come or something. All the living room furniture was on the balcony (physics does not apply here). My Mom was arranging the things to comply with the new Feng Shui period or something to that effect.

Ah well. At least I get a bit of a holiday.
Gong Xi Fa Chai to all.

w00t! I'm back!

...and I have nothing interesting to say.
...
...

Well, today we shall celebrate the Mundane.

I'm in the school musical, Anne of Green Gables(AOGG) and today there was yet another practice session. A funding committee showed up to assess if the school should go ahead with the project, which FYI is eating up a frightening amount of resources. A year after it had been initiated. *bonk*

Well, I think compared to earlier rehearsals today wasn't as sloppy. Janani, who plays title character Anne, started swinging me back and forth like a ragdoll, though, and I could hardly refrain from laughing.

How do I make the font larger?
I want to be notorious before I'm thirty.
My quest continues...

Ah... The joy of a perfectly cooked egg.

It's the little things in life that really get to me. I read about the awe-inspiring mountains, glorious waterfalls, the fierce bubbling spark of victory at the end of a long quest. Nothing compared to an egg boiled just right.

The white not too rubbery, but not a dribbly mess. The yolk round, substantial, yet soft and delightfully chewy. And two of them!

Let others say I am inward-looking, unaware of the larger things in life! Yes, there is much to experience, vast areas of knowledge to conquer, blah blah. At the very least no one can accuse me of not ever finding contentment. Most of us spend years chasing trophy after trophy, never pausing to marvel over the little things, like a child's' smile, the wind and the leaves, a trail of ants, or a perfectly cooked egg...

Wahahahaha... I shouldn't even be on this... I should be gathering my notes, preparing for my kickass presentation tomorrow, doing my homework, brushing my teeth, cleaning my room, getting into shape, writing my award-winning novel...

On second thought, I take back the brushing teeth thingy.

Oh well. On the bright side, I'm practicing typing with more than one finger without looking at the keyboard! Yay! (trust me, if it weren't for spell-check you'd be reading a different language.)

I was reading this article on TheSite.org (check it out, great place) about how the joker or the clown of a group aren't taken seriously when they have problems. As in deep mental doodoo (emotional trauma and the like). Think about it. The person with the gags, with the jokes, who makes you laugh and/or roll your eyes... The guy/gal who always has that big smile (or maniacal grin, take your choice)- with problems like depression?

Sure, I may be taking a rather extreme/stereotypical view here, but still. Humans are creatures of habit. We get used to people behaving/reacting in certain ways. So when that person changes, do you notice?

I'm confused too.

People hardly spend any time in the present. They're either thinking of the past ('I should have done this, could have done that...') or the future ('What if... I have to... worryworry...'). So, it leads to situations like 'Woah! You didn't use to be that tall!' (take it metaphorically.) They don't notice the said person changing bit by bit each day. One day they look up by accident and finally see.

So, yeah. Em. In conclusion... er.

Focus on what is in front of you, because it sure won't be there forever. There's plenty of time to worry about the future tomorrow.

Good night all. I still need to clean the keyboard...

Hello... I just felt like typing -something, anything. There's this emptiness inside me right now. It urges me to write. Write and write and write, write myself away...

One thing that really annoys me is how my head is always fragmented. Well, something like that. One piece tells me the emptiness is just all imagined. Another is so sure its there, eating me from inside. Yet another is chiding me for being stupid, it can't kill you. And yet another is trying to remember that article from the mass of useless miscelly in here... (is article spelt right, even?)

I suppose I'll use this for the holidays, this blog. Maybe not (there go the pieces again) I don't know.

I have to clean the keyboard soon.

heya... am testing...