Today's Muse: When I smile, I can feel the scab peel.

On Monday I wrote down three insults, cobbled together from other phrasings, on the back of an old shooting schedule.

On Tuesday I wrote down all the secret things I will never tell the various people whom have touched my lives, for better or for worse.

On Wednesday I smashed my face into the mounted speaker in the sound mix room, and wrote "I want to hold a baby." with a titchy bit of pencil lead.

On Thursday I learnt about the various functions of and how to work the sound mixer.

It's not important at all, is it.



PS: You know how it's very adult to put the past behind you, forgive and forget, we were all young and angry, hey I'm going to pretend that you never made me feel so badly about myself and that I was so eager for your validation of my humanity that I grovelled for forgiveness for something I didn't understand to you that day the Band came home without the Gold outside the toilet. It's not your fault, I know. I let you affect me; so insecure about myself that I took your sneers so badly. I mean, hey, you didn't like me, end of story! There was no need for me to be so pathatic. I'm ashamed of myself, I really am.

And so today I say, it's over. Sure, second year was hell for me, because I made it hell for me. No one's fault but my own. And I'm sure you had your own problems. Your friends always rallied around you. I wasn't really likable, was I? Always answering the teachers' questions, making the rest of you look bad (I have to admit, I took some vindictive pleasure in that).

All that was, what, three years ago? Geez, and here I am talking about it. When I'm asked about it I say "I was to blame." because, it's true. Think through it logically.

I mean, you're not a bad girl. You're funny and witty and kind. An obvious pillar of support. You were fourteen and fustrated.



I say all that. But all I can think is

Dear Liz, (Do they still call you that?)
I hope you die in a puddle of pee. Jerk.

love,
me.


I've known several Elizabeths. One I loved. One I dreaded. Another calls me Auntie 'toria.