1. What a day.

2. I am very pleased and rather content with my nest.

3. I have that great empty space in my chest again, but my Queen Nala makes a comfortable, if temporary filler.

4. Why all the hate on the Gorillaz MessageBoard? Most don't even talk about the Gorillaz. It pales in comparison to the Unofficial forums.

5. I have concluded that I do tend to try and turn mental anguish into physical pain ie. aching back.

6. Revision needs a rousing kick. Or sumfink.

7. Trying to spend less time on the Internet. Hence the point format.

8. I cannot stop listening to Demon Days. I can remember band biographies, song discography and other shite but cannot remember the rules of dy/dx.

9. I have achieved nine unrelated points. *claps*

Good night.

'I love you...
But what are we going to do?'

Every Planet We Reach is Dead
Gorillaz

We all strive to be happy, no?

When I was younger my train of thought went something like this :

If I got into an accident, everything would be alright. I won't have to take Chinese, and Mummy won't punish me, and I won't have to go to school and they'll be sorry and

Typical nosh.

Yet, today I found myself thinking like that again. Falling into a trap of self-pity and the need for petty vengeance.

I have been struggling with several difficult decisions for a long time now. My usual response is to not do anything, to try and remain in a comfortable spot instead of dashing out into the unknown and damn scary (yes, I know I am the one who allows them to frighten me).

How do you respond to an attacker when you are bound by moral ambiguity? The benefit of doubt - ill, stuck in bed, pent-up fustration, only worried about your welfare, damnit, it's probably your fault anyway...

Still, it was a cheap shot.

It hurt.

I had to restrain myself; stop myself from flying at her and tearing into her. I wanted so badly to make her pay - make her feel the fustration I felt, drege up all the things she did that she accused me of hypocrite! doing. All I could do was keep my face stone. But my eyes, traitorous things. She saw it in my eyes and flew at me.

I tire of this.

I'm sick of living in a world of masks. I'm tired of dancing around people' images, tired of translating what people don't really mean. Peoples' games. Friends, comrades, family, enemies. Too many masks, not enough plain speak.

I am exhausted.

But it is my own fault.

I live in a world of escape. Comics, music, books, dreams. I thought I lived in the present now, after a stint of living for the past. No. I only moved from one shell to another.

I caught me at it again: I wish I had bigger problems, so I don't have to worry about this.

Enough pity.

To work. I will publish this, to remind myself of how stupid it is to indulge in, in, this.
To work.

To work.

To...

head hurts like coconut

Ach.

One word that sums up my state of mind right now.

Somehow I convinced my parents to let me set up the old laptop in my room, so I could work undisturbed during the remainder of the June vacation. ALL MINE!

But.

The CD-drive won't detect CDs, the wireless connection keeps popping, the sound card is semi-fried (Only two volumes : Inaudible and EARDRUMS GO BOOM!), the mouse is wonky, and I just spent the past hour and a half struggling to configure this thing and SQUASH every single bug in here. All four thousand, one hundred and sixteen of them. Exact number.

And it's slow. Slow enough for me to wash the dishes and come back to see it still loading a page.

Ach.

On another note:

I dislike forms and portfolios.

Very.
Very.
Much.

Need to bite something. Hard.

Is there anything wrong with writing Mary-Sues?

In my opinion, not really. There is however, something wrong with posting them on the Internet and expecting no flames. Unrealistic, really.

For the uninitiated, a Mary-Sue is a story/fanfiction where an Original Character (as to how "original" he/she is, is another story) is introduced. The Mary-Sue in question usually is well-liked or wins over everyone, and has the main character falling desperately in love with him/her. Usually has tragic past.

These stories are also often occompanied by events out of canon, Unlikely behaviour in characters (think Ash from Pokemon suddenly going all girly and SNAG-like) and just plain nonsense.

That said, I do indulge in writing Mary-Sues once in a while. It can be good therapy - one starts scribbling unspoken wishes and thoughts, and there is always the occasional good idea to use in another piece. I just don't post them.

I once read something that proudly proclaimed itself to be a Mary-Sue - and turned out to be a most enjoyable ride. Yes, there was the Original Character, and the main char in the story fell for her, but it somehow wasn't annoying. The writing was fantastic, and it wasn't one of those love-at-first-sight or hate-at first-sight-turned-to-love-later. It was, persay... realistic? Ironic, considering it was a fanfiction for a comic.

Mary-Sues can be vastly annoying... but you can tell a lot about the writer from it.

And you don't have to read them, you know.

Itchy.

I have decided to be glad about the situation.

Let me explain (or not, you can just skip this, but then again you have made the decision to read something created by a child by coming here, or it could have been by accident and I'll shut up now) :

I cannot find any decent Gorillaz fanfiction. Or, rather, there is simply a lack of fanficition.

Which can be a good thing. No section at FF.net means no easy way for fics to be posted. Fics that usually fall into these catergories:

Murdoc/2D Slash
Russel/Murdoc Slash
Russel/2D Slash
Murdoc/Russel/2D Slash
2D/Mary-Sue
Murdoc/Mary-Sue
Russel/Mary-Sue
Murdoc/2D/Russel/Noodle self-multilation
Sick Noodle Stuff (SNS) such as tragic past (usually equates rape)
2D/suddenly-grown-up-Noodle
Girly-2D
Plain Out Of Character (OOC) behaviour

and the list goes on.

One word: Ew.

And the worst is when these patterns repeat. With every other series or something it always leads to this. Yes, there gems out there, but after sifting through all of the above one usually feels too ill to continue.

So, I will treat the lack of fanficition as a good thing.

I have a random plot in my head involving hearing aids, snakes native to the UK and migraines. Will not be a fanfiction.

Chew.

Let us celebrate the mundane...

I got my inspiration back. It took a lot of screeching, smashing head against table and reciting the two-times table, but I caught it by the tail and dragged it home kicking and screaming. I sat in the canteen for four hours waiting for my brother to finish his workshop. Finally, when the canteen was devoid of most life I felt the urge to write. And I did. It's half-assed, yes, but hey. Still needs to settle.

But, damnit. It was a Mary-Sue. A damn PWP. Whatever happened to the kickass novel I was supposed to write?

I do feel better, though. Writing Mary-Sues is good therapy.

I've never had a good relationship with my writing. The characters simply won't do what I want them to do, and I always end up editing the stuff heavily over and over. I often feel drained after writing a piece. Bit like looking after spoilt children.

Writing was my first love though, and I'll never give it up. Drawing is more like a surface thing, won't ever replace writing.

So tired.
But I can't fall asleep.

Cheese + chess + chestnuts = Me und Mein Engel...

The worst thing about mac-and-cheese for lunch is that there's never enough to go around.

Must stop listening to Demon Days.

Must finish report and gather conclusive evidence.

Must stop reading half-assed Gorillaz fan-work, even if they are amusing.

Must stop spending so much time on the computer.

We celebrate the mundane.

2D has kids?

Check out his mail in his computer at the official website. If you're interested.

I can't keep up with the news these days.

Feel old.

Scoured the forums, but turned up nothing on the subject except a three-post-long thread that basically went "LOL". *fumes* Guess it's old news, so all the threads on the subject are gone. Or maybe no one really cares. Hmm.

Thing is, 2D usually is stoned on painkillers, so he's hardly aware of whats' going on... if someone told him he had a kid he'd probably believe it, even with no memory of anything of the sort happening... But during the split he did "cruise the town at night" (mostly misquoted from promo booklet)... why do I care, really?

Feel old.

"The world is spinning too fast
I'm buying lead Nike shoes
To keep myself tethered
To the days I tried to lose"

19/2000
Gorillaz

Feel old.

I once read somewhere about how mental anguish can manifest physically, as in aches and pains from stress or summat.

So... what am I suffering from, I wonder?

Every now and then a lump manifests itself in my chest, along my sternum (the bone connecting the upper ribs - Google is your friend). It feels like a a lump, but at the same time its more like a great gaping hole, begging to be filled and closed up. Emptiness.

Or maybe my bra just sucks.

There are ways to cure it, yes. To get rid of the physical discomfort, I press on my acupressure point to release tension... But for the emptiness...

I write and write and write. Write the emptiness away. Fill it up with masses of poorly-expressed ideas, wasting paper trying to pull something out. Half-baked somethings of something more but I don't know how to write it out.

Ach. With every person who dies, millions of ideas, revelations, things (so crude a word, yes, but I can think of no other) die along with them. It's something I fear desperately - being unable to get all my ideas out on paper or something more permenant than my brain, which will eventually decay, yes.

An answer, will be found... soonest may be...

I am deliciously incoherent.

On to other things...

Found two spirits kindred to something I thought I had forgotten a long time ago... No. Something I wanted to push away. Now I remember why I wanted to forget - but even now my hand creeps closer and closer to my old notes, my books. All the old knowledge comes back - and damnit, it's exam season.

You two are really unhealthy for me... But for old time's sake, I think I'll come along for the ride. If you'll still allow me to.

Old habits do die hard.

Questions that keep me up at night:

Okay, background info: Watched the Hellblazer movie adaptation, called Constantine. Not bad, a little too monotonous and predictable at points. Some bits were badly written, but IMO the best performance was by the big cheese from below, even if it only lasted a few minutes.

Ahem. Anyways, I was surfing the net for web comics. Got directed to fanfiction and ended up reading movie-verse fics (old habits die kicking and screaming). Stumbled over yet another pairing fic -Constantine and the snot-faced taxi brat (there are way too many of these things on the net -they're starting to take over the Mary-Sues)

In short the thing was the usual Romeo-and-Juliet-Angst-pls-don't-flame-cuz-its-not-a-Mary-Sue .

There was something about one of the chars going to hell because he was in love with a seventeen-year-old. Apparently, this constitutes as paedophilic.

Now, don't get me wrong. I was just thinking about how our standerds change through time... in the past girls were married off at 10, or 11, maybe younger. Now, in those days it wasn't considered wrong. In the past, having sex out of wedlock was oh so wrong. Today?

Well, it's all been discussed before and thoroughly aired.

Never can get the ideas to look right on paper...

"You could have just shot me, John!"

Ps: If each and everyone of us realised, truly realised we were all going to die one day and it wouldn't make much of a difference, what would the world be like? Maybe it'd be a lot less crazy and frightening... but then again it might'n be so interesting.

I know I said I would continue from my last post, but I've kinda moved on...

Today I was sitting on the steps, facing the field on the other side of the wire fence. So many thoughts running through my head, and I, trying desperately to stop them from disappearing through the cracks... but I digress.

It was a lovely scene. The trees had lost their leaves to the recent heatwave, and new leaves were budding. Some had already unfurled, fresh and new and supple. The wind was whispering, and tiny leaves flew overhead, branches shivered. The sun was low, gone from his throne in the blue sky...

As I watched this, at this instant, I felt so -happy doesn't seem appropiate- light. Like everything was right with the world, everything for that split second was balanced.

Yet, gnawing at the very fringes of this thought was this overwhelming sadness.

I thought, this will never happen again. Nothing is permanent; the leaves will never look exactly the same, the trees will never sway in the exact same way, everything will change.

Maybe I'm thinking too much. But at that moment. That's what. I suppose I was thinking of how all too soon I'll have to move on from all the little joys I've found, fought so hard for. How everyone will eventually change. How I will change. How, all the chances, the choices at that instant will be lost forever.

I'm rambling, so I'll stop there.
Words, words, words, all I have are words yet I am so inept with them.

I've been thinking about people. People in general.

The emptiness is back, so here I am, trying to type it away. No pencil lead left, actually.

Well, back to today's topic. I've been reading the blogs of a few of my ex-classmates. Back then, I used to be so afraid of them. I don't know how it started- some memories stand out: I making a suggestion, her snorting as if she couldn't stand breathing the same air as me and I feeling so stupid- what did I do wrong?

I was stupid, in a way. I drew in, carved up a facade guaranteed to put people off. I obsessed over how I would show them- I remember writing out this great long speech which would put them all to shame blahblah insert self-righteous babble here.

One afternoon the girls involved in a prestigious competition came back to class in tears. They had practiced incredibly hard for months, and were so sure of their Gold award... they came away with a Bronze.

People were trying to comfort them. I didn't know what to do- I wasn't particuly close to any of these girls, and frankly I saw no cause for crying- you fall, you get up, you keep walking. Shallow, shallow, shallow me.

I began to yell for the Literature assignments to be handed up to me, mainly to give myself something to do and offset my discomfort- and her, the one I feared the most, who was most vocal in her dislike- snapped at me.

I don't recall her exact words, only how she said it, and how crushed and guilty I felt. Along with that a fierce, bubbling rage -how dare she! I opened my mouth to let loose my self-righteous speech-

I was stopped by another classmate's pleading gaze, one whom I had a soft spot for. No, it said. Let it go. Never mind.

I turned tail and ran.

And- stupid, stupid fool I am- I later apologised to her. Like a stupid puppy. Please stop hating me. I'll change. I'm a shallow bastard, and I'm sorry...

Yet, today as I think back... but it is late. I've digressed, anyway. Maybe I'll continue tomorrow.

Chinese New Year is just around the corner, and my Mother, being the terribly efficient woman she is, decided to commence spring-cleaning now.

Just a bit of trivia: Once Chinese New Year rolls round, no sweeping of the house is allowed. It is believed that this will sweep away Good fortune.

So, yeah. When I returned home from school today I thought the depo had come or something. All the living room furniture was on the balcony (physics does not apply here). My Mom was arranging the things to comply with the new Feng Shui period or something to that effect.

Ah well. At least I get a bit of a holiday.
Gong Xi Fa Chai to all.

w00t! I'm back!

...and I have nothing interesting to say.
...
...

Well, today we shall celebrate the Mundane.

I'm in the school musical, Anne of Green Gables(AOGG) and today there was yet another practice session. A funding committee showed up to assess if the school should go ahead with the project, which FYI is eating up a frightening amount of resources. A year after it had been initiated. *bonk*

Well, I think compared to earlier rehearsals today wasn't as sloppy. Janani, who plays title character Anne, started swinging me back and forth like a ragdoll, though, and I could hardly refrain from laughing.

How do I make the font larger?
I want to be notorious before I'm thirty.
My quest continues...

Ah... The joy of a perfectly cooked egg.

It's the little things in life that really get to me. I read about the awe-inspiring mountains, glorious waterfalls, the fierce bubbling spark of victory at the end of a long quest. Nothing compared to an egg boiled just right.

The white not too rubbery, but not a dribbly mess. The yolk round, substantial, yet soft and delightfully chewy. And two of them!

Let others say I am inward-looking, unaware of the larger things in life! Yes, there is much to experience, vast areas of knowledge to conquer, blah blah. At the very least no one can accuse me of not ever finding contentment. Most of us spend years chasing trophy after trophy, never pausing to marvel over the little things, like a child's' smile, the wind and the leaves, a trail of ants, or a perfectly cooked egg...

Wahahahaha... I shouldn't even be on this... I should be gathering my notes, preparing for my kickass presentation tomorrow, doing my homework, brushing my teeth, cleaning my room, getting into shape, writing my award-winning novel...

On second thought, I take back the brushing teeth thingy.

Oh well. On the bright side, I'm practicing typing with more than one finger without looking at the keyboard! Yay! (trust me, if it weren't for spell-check you'd be reading a different language.)

I was reading this article on TheSite.org (check it out, great place) about how the joker or the clown of a group aren't taken seriously when they have problems. As in deep mental doodoo (emotional trauma and the like). Think about it. The person with the gags, with the jokes, who makes you laugh and/or roll your eyes... The guy/gal who always has that big smile (or maniacal grin, take your choice)- with problems like depression?

Sure, I may be taking a rather extreme/stereotypical view here, but still. Humans are creatures of habit. We get used to people behaving/reacting in certain ways. So when that person changes, do you notice?

I'm confused too.

People hardly spend any time in the present. They're either thinking of the past ('I should have done this, could have done that...') or the future ('What if... I have to... worryworry...'). So, it leads to situations like 'Woah! You didn't use to be that tall!' (take it metaphorically.) They don't notice the said person changing bit by bit each day. One day they look up by accident and finally see.

So, yeah. Em. In conclusion... er.

Focus on what is in front of you, because it sure won't be there forever. There's plenty of time to worry about the future tomorrow.

Good night all. I still need to clean the keyboard...

Hello... I just felt like typing -something, anything. There's this emptiness inside me right now. It urges me to write. Write and write and write, write myself away...

One thing that really annoys me is how my head is always fragmented. Well, something like that. One piece tells me the emptiness is just all imagined. Another is so sure its there, eating me from inside. Yet another is chiding me for being stupid, it can't kill you. And yet another is trying to remember that article from the mass of useless miscelly in here... (is article spelt right, even?)

I suppose I'll use this for the holidays, this blog. Maybe not (there go the pieces again) I don't know.

I have to clean the keyboard soon.

heya... am testing...